I'm not saying that beige and black don't match, but...

 

About a week after that initial counseling session, I decided that I did need my own person to talk to. After all, I didn't want to breathe any of this to my sisters, brothers, or friends and I was bursting at the seams to tell someone how I actually felt.  Yeah, what first felt like betrayal and annoyance, had now turned to some serious anger & disbelief!

That morning started just like every morning of my new normal: Wake up, brush teeth, say prayers, make coffee, get kids off to school, back home to stare out the window until time to pick up the kids.  It happened during the brushing of the teeth...I noticed my lovely ensemble of plain black panties, beige bra, and worn gray nightshirt.  Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself before your brain had time to send you a better signal?  I mean a real glimpse?

Now, believe you me, I still looked better than the heifer that he screwed.  This sight of myself had more to do with how I'd allowed myself to be treated by me than it had to do with him. That's right: How I'd treated myself.

You see, I'd always loved luxurious lingerie.  Before there was ever a husband, there was exquisite lingerie.  Lovely nightgowns, silk slips, matching bras & panties, even garters and seamed thigh-highs, were the things that I loved and showered upon myself.  When did these lousy black panties meet up with the plain ass beige bra? Why the fuck did they invite the worn out gray shirt?

Fortunately, my window staring time would be replaced with a counseling session.  I would have someone to discuss the anger & disbelief and my new revelation about what the underwear meant(actually, the mistreatment of myself).

So off to counseling...

All I could stand was an introduction before I went head long into my husband's explanation of the affair.  The counselor, a woman, then asked how I felt. Something the husband and his counselor had failed to ask. After a rambling analogy/rationalization about the underwear, I explained that I was more upset about the realization that I'd put myself dead last in this life and marriage.  I was beyond angry that the husband didn't appreciate my sacrifices enough.  If nothing else, my constant forgiveness of his mother's behavior should have warranted complete devotion from him!

As I said the words aloud, I knew that I needed to take the reigns and be responsible for my own happiness...Starting with new underwear :)